THE APE & APPLE, 28 John Dalton St, Manchester, M2 6HQ.
Tel: 0161 839 9624
We am easily accessible by foot, horse drawn carriage, bicycle, rollerskates and are now delighted to inform you that you can visit our fine establishment via the majesty of the Trans Pennine Express. These comfortable, modern trains are especially designed to provide comfort and enjoyment unrivaled in the field of human transportation.
Gone forever are the days when travelling on British trains meant stuffy, overcrowded carriages! The days where our railway travel was the butt of a million comics “turns” are but a distant memory!
Today’s modern train provides a light and airy escape from the horrors of urbanity, with electrical recharge points for your phone, laptop or plasma TV. Relax, and enjoy a traveling experience fit for her majesty the Queen, where highly trained staff will cater for your every legal whim.*
There not even a need to leave your abode to purchase one of the many reasonably proced advance tickets to experience this 21st century miracle – utilising your computer terminus or smart watch you can now book tickets “on aline” – it’s the very essence of modernity! Just visit the TransPennine Express website and you won’t have to pay a booking fee!**
Take that, “rip off Britain!”
At the Comedy Balloon you’ll hear our performers joke about lots of things – jumpsuits, mawkish chums and the mechanics of early 14th century inkwells being just some of the hilarious topics covered, but one thing you WON’T hear them joking about is the cost of train travel on Trans Pennine Express!
That’s because, unlike many other ticket providers. Trans Pennine Express – one of the few UK train operating companies running 24 hours a day – also offer up to 50% off advanced train tickets so are therefore a great resource to you – especially if you travel by train!
To get to the Comedy Balloon from Manchester Piccadilly, simply leave the station by the main entrance, walk all the way down past the tramps, beggars, general scum and wastrels, until you pass through the delights of Market Street. After a delightful perambulation of around 5 minutes*** you should walk past *arks & *pencers and then arrive upon Deansgate Strasse. Turn left, and walk along the pavement until you espy the store of a Mr. *****burys – take a happy left onto John Dalton St., and walk until you reach the large building marked “The Ape & Apple”, where you shall find us upstairs, holding a warm welcome especially for you.
To get to the Comedy Balloon from Oxford Road Station, leave by the main entrance onto Oxford Road itself, and again, turn left. Walk up Oxford Road until you come to the splendour of the library – turn right and walk past the town hall until you come to a road who’s name escapes me. Turn once more left, and enjoy a gentle stroll past the other bit of the town hall, whereupon you will come to a peculiarly named “zebra crossing”. Traverse the road via this – watch out for cars, as they often hurt! – and then down onto John Dalton St. where, after a moment you shall again find yourself in the delightful bosom of the pub.
Kindest of fond regards
The Patrons Of The Comely Balloon, Manchester’s Longest Running Comedy Night
**The Comedy Balloon, Ape & Apple & the good people of Joesph Holt’s Brewery are not responsible for the content of any external websites. We urge you to navigate the rest of the internets with caution, as we are reliably informed it is awash with filth and depravity.
***dependent upon levels of fitness, obesity and inebriation