Residents of Hertfordshire were today warned to be extra specially vigilant after a woman was killed by stampeding ants. Lollipop lady Glenda Bender, 39, was out for her usual evening stroll to cheer up the homeless with a string of politically incorrect gags when the army of ants jumped out from behind a bin.
Although Glenda immediately took evasive action as recommended by the local council – curling into a ball and emitting a high pitched whining sound – she was overwhelmed by the ants who locals believed mistook her for a talking donut.
Some ants murdering another ant, the little shits. (Source: Wikipedia)
Astonished onlooker Terry Towel said “we were powerless to help – it happened so fast. One minute she’s mincing down the road sprinkling hundreds and thousands on herself while telling the one about two nuns and a bar of soap and next minute she was pinned to the ground by a never ending stream of between 3 to 5 ants.”
The frenzied formicidae then swapped clothes to avoid detection by the rozzers before scuttling off down a nearby drain. Residents have been warned not to approach the ants, who it is feared may kill again.
Glenda leaves behind a husband and 3 children, who were yesterday being comforted by alcopops. Anybody with any information – especially about this – is being asked not to call Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111 as these story are fictional.